Companion

Today I want to talk about pain. Pain….not the half evil, half noble character from the Naruto anime but a feeling everyone knows in varying degrees. The nature of mine is constant. Not excrutiating, but constant and ever present. Its now a part of me, my most loyal companion. Unwanted bt always present. There for so long I dont even know what it would be like to live without it. Started out as physical…cold in my chest, inability to breathe, everpresent migraines, pain in my eyes, sinus and oftimes every part of my body. Like I said not excrutiating but theres this special quality of constant that makes it worse than excrutiating. Having “enjoyed”…or suffered i should say the excrutiating kind occasionally I would know. See the thing about “excrutiating” is it dosnt last long. Perhaps because of the body’s nature to shut down or adapt. If it lasted longer it would become manageable and “constant”. Its a paradox you see. Following that line of reasoning mine was perhaps once excrutiating and its lengthy nature had made it bearable. I know not the truth of these theorems. Only thing I am certain of is that there has always been pain and there will likely always be pain…it is all I know. There are moments of respite. Breif moments where this dastardly serpent slinks off. But it is those moments of respite that hurt the most. They make u aware of what it wud be like to live without the pain. Tantalizing you with normalcy. Dangling the choicy morsel before you and snatching it away as u hungrily reach for it. That was long ago tho. I no longer reach for the morsel anymore. Thats when you know how messed up you are. Everyone wants to be cool, special and great. You did initially too. But you stop hoping for that and start wishing just to be normal, like everyone else. You know you can neva be special or cool. That’s when you know how messed up you are. It started as physical…the struggle for air, the pain behind the eyes, the cold in your chest, the throbbing in the head. Then it spreads…to your heart. Thats when emotional and psychological pain kicks in. The pain pulls you down into the dreary depths. A world where you are alone…where other people dont exist…just you and the pain. They dont understand. They are different, normal, ok and could never underatand what you are going through. They even think you are weird…if only they knew. Lonliness has set in…thats another facet of the pain. It dosnt stop there. The pain sprouts another wing and dives into the depths with you on its back bearing you down ever further. When loneliness is combined with the physical pain, you start to think dark thoughts. “Why am I even alive, maybe I would be better off if there were no me, would i feel better dead, why are other people not like me…they should suffer what I suffer, feel what I feel.” Thats when you  begin to suspect theres something wrong with your sanity, thats theres a darkness inside of you. You recall that those psychos in all those movies must have thought like this ‘fore becoming serial killers.
You check yourself here, start to pray and seek God but he dosnt answer…most of d time. Its just you and the pain. It never leaves you, is ever present, always answers even when you dont call. Thats when spiritual pain kicks in. Or spiritual numbness I shoud say. You start to lose your faith…the little experiences and the people around you left you with. You no longer believe. U keep going through the motions, church, and spiritual talks. But deep down you know you dont believe. Thats one of the sharpest facets of the pain. You lose your purpose, reason, and direction. But theres still more. The circle is finally complete wen you lose yourself. You know doubt, self doubt. You no longer believe in yourself as a person, in your values. You are trully lost like the travellers in Jeffrey Lieber’s tv series and look to others to find you. Here is where you make all the mistakes. Sleep with all the wrong people, smoke all the wrong things and fight all the wrong fights. This is no motivational speech. I dont end it by saying that theres a spark of hope in you that will
flare up n it ll b all rite ‘cuz I dont know that. Its just a cronicle of all I know, a little address to my ever present companion…Pain.

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